Friday, 13 December 2013

An Open Letter to Elf on the Shelf

I wrote to you at the North Pole but I’m guessing my letter got caught up with the Christmas post. With Postman Pat in charge, I’m not surprised, but that’s another story.

First up, the positives: I’d like to thank you for making Bouncing Boy laugh. Ever since you turned up on December the 1st, he’s been racing downstairs every morning, excited to find out what you’ve been up to while he’s asleep. And I can’t deny you’ve had a positive influence on his behaviour. From the look of glee and Christmassy magic in his eyes, it’s clear he loves you.

Me, not so much...

For starters, no one likes a tell tale. I know very occasionally, I might moan about my darlings’ behaviour, but that doesn’t give you the right to get all Mr Judgy-pants on them. All this stuff about reporting back to Santa for his naughty and nice list; I get that he’s a busy man – he needs guys on the ground to do his dirty work – but disciplining my kids? Not your call, dude. Besides, for me Christmas isn’t conditional. My babies get presents because I love them. No best behaviour required. So back off on the blackmail, thank you very much.

And I’m not being funny but that thing where you watch us 24/7 – it’s a bit creepy. Does Santa really need a Big Brother – or in your case, a little one, with a serious case of small-man syndrome? It’s enough to give me a guilt complex. I swear your eyes follow me round the room. Sometimes I find myself pointing you away from us, hoping you won’t notice I haven’t started my Christmas shopping, let alone wrapped it.

Another gripe: your social life – to be blunt, you’re making me look boring. Whether it’s rocking out with the kids’ instruments all night or swinging from the chandeliers while we’re tucked up in bed – I’ve found myself living vicariously through you. Can’t you just have an early night for once?

One final thing: all this domestic one-upmanship – are you trying to make me look bad? It’s hard not to get defensive when you write your Christmas cards to the kids, knowing I haven’t even bought mine. And that thing when you bake for Bouncing Boy – you know that’s my ‘thing’, right? Yet you keep doing it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of the good deeds, the festive gear and the jaunty smile. And I’m sure Santa couldn’t do without you. But here’s the newsflash: I could. All I’m saying is: get back on the shelf where you belong. Or I’m in danger of shelving you.

Love and fairy dust,

Earth Mother.
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